I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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