Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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