You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
