Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
