And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize