my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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