Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
