I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
