Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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