i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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