Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
