i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
