yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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