We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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