How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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