I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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