What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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