Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
