I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
