youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
