The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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