I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
accomplished twins. life is a go
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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