Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
