Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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