I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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