Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my shit smells like andre
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
