I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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