You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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