While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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