I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
