another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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