i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
