3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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