My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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