I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
