So drunk its hurt
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
