dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
