my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
