Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
