My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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