3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize