I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
