My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
