he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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