Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
