You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i think i just lost a toe
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
