I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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