The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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