he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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