I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
