I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
