You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
