I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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