My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
