and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
