I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Alive.
So much puke
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
