Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
