you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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